One liners – oldies but goldies!

The FBI had an opening for an assassin...
The boat joke

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Paddy says, “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador . “B*gger that!” says Mick. “Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had £1.20 in her purse.

A wife says to her husband, “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.”

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 1p’s and 2p’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin...
The boat joke